The Onus is On Us

The time has come, I believe, to ask uncomfortable questions... To raise issues nobody wants to talk about... To bring up conversations at the dinner table that leave the traditional Indian family squirming uncomfortably in their seats, toying with the food in their plates, unwilling to meet each others' eyes...

To ask 'why', to introspect, and come to conclusions, find solutions...

A series of events in the recent past have been highly unnerving. It all started when I read in the news about a colleague from medical school, caught filming a neighbor in the nude. Then came a series of 'confessions' from several girls who had been emotionally and sexually abused by someone I had known since he was a child, and had, hitherto, looked up to. And now, there's #meToo that has been creating waves over social media, with the trolls having a gala time over incidents that are of the most serious nature, and definitely not laugh-worthy!

Open the newspaper every morning, and you'll see at least one account of rape, abuse, murder... Of course, each incident doesn't bag headlines, it has to make do with a tiny corner column on page 5 or 6, which we might not notice... Or choose not to! We go around with our routines, pretending to lead a seemingly 'normal' life, because it's 'just not our problem'! The Government has to do something about this! We aren't bothered about it, but we ensure our daughters and wives come home well before dark, aren't left outside unattended at unearthly hours, don't dress provocatively...

Because, we believe in cultivating a culture which teaches our girls how not to get raped, rather than teaching our boys how not to rape!

As I introspected over how someone from seemingly 'decent' backgrounds, 'good families', and a professional education could be involved in such demeaning acts, it hit upon me that there had been signs all along... Signs that we all chose to turn a blind eye to.

For instance, at the cultural events at the Med School, the boys would all be at their best show of hooliganism, their testosterone levels going over the roof, whistling, making cat-calls, aiming paper planes and arrows at the breasts or butts of the girls performing on stage... We all KNEW about it, but did nothing then... Neither did the authorities! It was all taken to be a part of the 'culture' of the college... They were studying to be doctors, it was said... Boys do such silly things in adolescence, but they'd grow out of it! After all, they would have an image, a reputation to live up to!

But did they?!!

With great power, it is said, comes great responsibility. However I believe, that with great power, comes an escalation of the magnitude of misdeeds! If you can get away with aiming a paper plane at a girl's butt as a student, you'd definitely be able to get away with filming her in the nude 'just for fun' as an adult!

We all have seen men ogling at women... How many of us have had the courage to go up to them and tell them to stop?

We've all either been, or known someone who has been groped inappropriately in social situations. How many of us have brought the incident to light, slapped the offender then and there?

We've all seen our maid coming to work with bruises all over her body... How many of us have gone to her house and warned her husband that this isn't done?

We've all been in a group of friends who've checked out girls passing by and commented, "Kya item dikh rahi Hain!" How many of us have told the boy then and there that it's WRONG to objectify women?

And how many of us have brought up these issues at our dinner tables, and discussed them with our closest family?!

We are all, equally responsible for all these incidents, as the perpetrators themselves are... Because we allowed this to happen! We were mute spectators when we watched them perform seemingly harmless acts of wielding power, or sexual dominance. We let them feel that 'it's okay' to do certain things! And our 'chalta hain' attitude, for whatever reason, allowed this to magnify to this extent.. and it is only because of us that we have a Nirbhaya to be ashamed of today!

Participating in rallies, staging candle marches isn't going to help one tiny bit! The situation is NOT going to change unless we change the thought process, we change the perception of 'right' and 'wrong' in the minds of each and every person we know. And this won't happen if we keep this to ourselves... We need to speak up! We need to educate one and all, right from our brother to our gardener, that they should STOP the tiniest dastardly act when they see it. That we should nip the problem in the bud.

While the media is having a circus over women who had the guts to speak up about being abused many years ago, what is more shameful is a series of people who are now coming up and saying that they were "aware of this since several years"! Why did you not stop it then?!! It's not always easy for the victim to raise a voice, but as bystanders, it is our responsibility!
Having said that, I am fully aware that there do exist people who misuse the laws, but I am not here to judge who is right and who is wrong. I'm here simply to identify and acknowledge that there does exist a problem, and the solution is very well in our hands. It's not easy, I agree... But by asking the victim why she was silent all these years, we are again making her believe she is the culprit, that she has wronged in finally mustering up enough courage to speak up, and that, it is all 'her fault'! She spoke out, when you and I could not!

Walking away from an uncomfortable situation isn't going to solve it! It'd just be an 'ostrich effect'! The onus is, now, on us... 

The writer is an Obstetrician, Gynaecologist and Infertility specialist practicing in Pune.